the hipster menu

myself and my colleague made a little fun of hipster restaurant trends when cooking for a big party last week


“DeltaG” beet tartare

hand-selected “Star-Market” orange, distressed ginger, radish, raspberry, goat cheese from a pre-teen viking goat eating compostable carbon-neutral grass in Northern Iceland


“kiss of death sea scallops, no?”

puree of sunchokes grown in sunlight and dark, roasted maitake mushrooms, upland cress blessed by a spiritual leader from high altitude who also spends 40% of his time teaching ceramics to adults of all backgrounds in rural Vermont


ceviche with no major weaknesses

gulf shrimp, lime leaf, avocado, anaheim chili from a North Carolina farm that offers multiple outreach programs for underprivileged zebrafish to learn computational coding and sustainable farming practices


cassoulet, redone like quiz 4

shade-smoked white beans, non-vegan non-GMO gluten-free non-lactose saffron, rosemary


roasted vegetables with no major weaknesses

guerilla harvested- charred broccolini with the help of a sensitive New Zealand sheep late at night from undisclosed local location/ expanded carrots with miso tahini dressing, awakened anise-braised fennel


eggplant roulade: “the NSF”

burrata shade-pulled by organic monks, tormented VEGAN/LACTOSE-FREE basil, “leopard” tomato (honey badger friendly)


bruschetta 1: the “integrated systems approach to single-cell microbiomics”

crafted cauliflower hummus possibly harvested from a Somerville compostable dumpster located outside an LEED-certified building, pecorino, harvested photosynthesized pear


bruschetta 2: “mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell”

brie from a happy cow (birth certificate attached) and French-grown microbiome, habanero-tomato jam, frightened market chive


bruschetta 3: “Stemantha”

activated ocean tuna infused with ocean water (rescued from drowning by Chris Baker during a trip to the Mongolian highlands), church-grown shishito peppers with natural aromas and traces of flavor, rescued single-source fair-trade parsley


“One minute left to spare, your apple tartelette could have more conflict”

organic softspoken turnip, Pictavian lemon, Obama’s crust. served in a locally hand-seasoned vintage Pennsylvanian skillet hand-touched by famous chemist Sam Carlson


The rest of this dinner – boring, no? Why not put the macarons first and cut out the other specific plates?

sun-developed grapefruit, flax-roasted pistachio, stone-milled vanilla, hand-emulsified lemon


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